My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
