tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
