Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
