She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
