Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
