I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
