So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize