I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
