I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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