guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
