I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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