Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
