how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
