Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
