I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
