I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
