I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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