I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
