he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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