I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
