my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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