I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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