I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
