They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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