i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
