I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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