I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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