Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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