Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
