so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
