from now on my penis is your penis
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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