I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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