I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
