I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
