my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
