why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
