I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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