you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
