Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
