So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
