your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
