His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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