I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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