Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
