..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
