You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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