I am spending my child support on dildos
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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