So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
