The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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