The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
