Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
