I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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