I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
