I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
