chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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