I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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