My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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