As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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