I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
