is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You did what with his pubic hair?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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