So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
