We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
