Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
