The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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