i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
