I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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