My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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