She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
