Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
