i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
