Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
