until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize